When I was finishing my senior year in high school and getting ready to go to college in a different state, one of my biggest worries was how to remain close to my partner even though we were separated by distance.
I was in a long-distance relationship for more than a year, and even though we eventually decided to part ways, I learned a lot about the challenges of maintaining a close partnership in spite of distance. To gather information that may help couples who are facing long distances or time apart, I spoke with more than 20 couples. These couples met at church, class or Tinder; they were separated for a summer, a semester, or even a year while dating; and ended up engaged, married or moving on.
Regardless of whether those relationships continued or not, we all came to the same conclusion: Nobody would have chosen to not love at all, despite the possibility of getting hurt in the end. Here’s what they had to say about long-distance relationships in college:
1. Talk. And Snapchat. And send each other funny Instagram pictures.
Tim, 21, and Karissa, 20, say, “Communication is key, whether you’re FaceTiming or calling at random times throughout the day, in between classes, or before you go to bed at night.” No matter how physical your relationship might be, communication will deepen your understanding of your partner and will make every time you're together more satisfying!
2. You don’t need to be perfect, just honest.
The couples I spoke with ranked honesty and acceptance of growth a close second to communication. College can get intense. You make new friends, try new activities and overcome new challenges.
If your biggest fear is that one of you will change because of all of these new things, you have to understand that change is part of growth. If you are meant to be with your person, you will grow together if you work at it.
Pooja, 20, who spent two school years apart from her boyfriend, Ryker, also 20, is now studying abroad with him. “Believe it or not, we haven't fought in the last three-plus years,” she says. “I credit that to our openness. When he got to college, we had a long talk about what each of us felt comfortable with (i.e. partying, drinking, Greek life, etc.) so the boundaries were clear. And if anything ever came up, we would always run it past each other. There's a mutual trust between us that we both value a lot.”
Lastly, “don't do anything you wouldn't want your partner to do,” says Shelby, 20, and Luca, 19. Trust and communication are both key to having fun and maintaining your long distance relationship (LDR).
3. Don’t lose the sparkle.
Even though you cannot physically be together, little things go a long way. Elizabeth, 18, and Kyle, 19, are engaged, and Kyle is currently serving in the military. “Getting a letter from the person you love just makes you feel really good, and it's nice in a weird way to be holding something that you know was in their hands just a few days before,” they agree.
Nick, 21, and Kendra, 23, didn’t anticipate being separated. “It's also nice to keep it light some times (I'm teaching her guitar right now), but don't be afraid to go deep,” Nick says. “Pray with each other, voice your struggles, and ask what the other person needs frequently.”
Also, when looking for new ways to show affection from a distance, check Pinterest. I cannot even begin to express how many little crafts I filled my time with when I was missing my boyfriend and wanted to show him I was thinking about him. To this day, I know the scrapbook I made him is something he’ll have for a long time because it’s filled with all of the memories we made, romantic or not.
4. Busy is good!
Saying goodbye doesn’t get easier with time, but remember that time apart makes every minute you do spend with your SO is that much more meaningful.
In the meantime, join a club, get a job, keep moving forward, have good news to share every time you talk. Supporting each other is important, but don’t put your partner in the position of always supporting you, or vice versa. Think of it this way: if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, it still makes a sound. If you are not with your SO and accomplish something great, but they are not around to see it, you still accomplished something great.
5. Everyone fights.
When you’re not face-to-face, it’s easy to miscommunicate. Michael, 23, and Kyle, 20, say, “Don’t get upset over the small things because you’ll end up fighting every day just because you read one text message wrong.” You’ve already worked this hard at your relationship. Don’t let a miscommunication or a small fight escalate into the end of your relationship.
6. Love with no regret.
Although this article is meant to share how to manage a long distance relationship, the reality is, it doesn’t always work out.
But, you’ll be ok.
Honestly, it is easier not having to see the person who broke your heart. It helps being surrounded by those who can pick you back up off the kitchen floor. Everyone gets heartbroken at some point, whether they see the end coming or not. The one consistent message from every couple (past and present) I talked to was that they would absolutely do it again.
7. Take heart. Be hopeful.
I came across many great stories when I researched this article, like Shelby and Luca’s. Their story proves that things do sometimes work out:
Shelby was 14 and Luca was 15 when they met in July of 2012 at the Children With Diabetes Conference in Orlando, Fla., because they both have Type 1 diabetes. They didn’t start talking until the last few days of the week-long conference. She lived in California; he lived in Italy. She missed the chance to say goodbye to him before he left, but the next morning, she woke up to a necklace he had left outside her hotel room. They started Skyping a week later, and in September, she asked him to be her boyfriend. After that, they didn’t see each other for a year. Then they saw each other every six months. Luca finally applied to Florida Gulf Coast University – the same college Shelby attends. He moved to Florida, and now, they’re engaged.
I'll leave you with some final advice from Nick and Kendra:
Long distances will challenge your trust, faith, commitment and communication. But if you both work hard to continue to love each other, have grace for each other in your short-comings, and find creative meaningful ways to communicate, then I firmly believe that despite the distance your relationship will grow closer and your love for each other will deepen.
Olivia Ellison
is a junior at UNC majoring in Exercise Science. She plans to earn her Ph.D. and research concussions. In the meantime, she works with UNC's Division I sports teams, participates in Fellowship of Christian Athletes, answers her friends' requests for advice and goes about 100 miles per hour!
